WWE Royal Rumble 2022 Post Examination

St. Louis, Missouri—The Dome at America’s Center

January 29, 2022

Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins (photo courtesy of WWE.com)

Seth Rollins Def. Roman Reigns

Said it on the podcast before but herein lies the difference between AEW and WWE storytelling right now.  AEW presents a main event and sees what they can get from it, WWE has a main event and sees how they can get out of it.  Solid match as they obviously have chemistry together.  A nice callback of the pedigree out of the spear as Seth used that to beat Roman previously.  But then, because it’s Reigns, all the good equity built-up was soured as they shifted into, “telling stories, Pal”and of course, the story sucked, was nonsensical, and had the least pleasing outcome with an intentional DQ.  Why would it get under Roman’s skin that Seth uses the Shield entrance, especially when Roman’s character has clearly moved on, as Rollins is supposed to be the face?  What is this iteration of Seth’s character supposed to be anyways?  The jittering personification of snorting Adderall?  ★★★

Ronda Rousey Won the Women’s Royal Rumble

I couldn’t help but think of Johnny Carson’s quip from the Oscars: “I see a lot of new faces, especially on the old faces.”  If you ever needed more of an indicator that Johnny Ace is the head of talent relations again, here’s your time machine back to the early aughts.  In the 80s and 90s, the toxicity of promoting steroid-enhanced bodies to young boys and men was debated in dirt sheets and the press at large, will we talk about plastic surgery addiction and the obsession with maintaining perpetual youth and glamor?   There’s a problem when you present, I dunno, half of the participants as not wanting to win a wrestling match but seeking a sassy, sultry entrance instead.  It made me think of—don’t laugh—watching Holy Foley and Noelle’s mother being so preoccupied on the entrance and costume for her daughter.  That stands out because I wonder if within the wrestling bubble of performers and agents they share that same conception of what a women’s wrestler is.  Terrible match with terribly awkward walk-running into botched spots.

Like the men’s Rumble later in the show, the action was hard to follow due to the unrhythmic cuts and needlessly zooming on striking.  And speaking of difficult to watch, if you can’t realistically run and then slide into the ring, stop wrestling.  

On the positive, the final four at least were all credible athletes, and to the shock of no-one, Ronda won.  ★

Ronda Rousey (photo courtesy of WWE.com)

Becky Lynch Def. Doudrop

I love that they got time, but with Ronda and Charlotte touching in the Rumble, the outcome was clear and killed whatever minuscule amount of heat this match had to work with.  Why would this be placed here?  And what agent thought it was a swell idea to let Doudrop go for three sentons?  And speaking of things to eliminate from one’s repertoire, Becky has to calm the fuck down on the kicked-out-at-two-shock-surprise-oversell-to-the-rafters face.  It’s as credible in this match as it would be if she made the kicked-out face in the first thirty seconds of the match after a shoulder tackle.  Take a goddamn acting class or at least Google Stanislavski’s system.  ★★

Bobby Lashley Def. Brock Lesnar

Fantastic package to begin the match, highlighting both competitors’ credentials as legitimate college athletes with unique experiences and entrances into WWE.  Stiff German suplexes was the focal point of the beginning of the match, before the obligatory, through-the-barricade spot.  Like the Smackdown title, all the good will flatlined into familiar territory with a sports entertainment finish of Reigns interfering with Paul Heyman turning.  Shudder to think if this was actually a tweaked version of whatever was purportedly planned for Day 1.  This gave away that Brock would win the Rumble, especially as Lashley isn’t really a face and they don’t really seem to have an idea for who would be a credible challenger for Raw’s title at Mania.  ★★

Edge and Beth Phoenix Def. Miz and Maryse

Better than expected(?).  ★

Brock Lesnar Won the Men’s Royal Rumble

It’s been said how hard it is to screw up a Rumble, but how many Rumbles in the past decade would you want to watch again?  It wasn’t as glaring as the women’s Rumble, but the lack of credible upper mid-carders killed any drama.  75% could be released and it would have no bearing in future planning.  There wasn’t any storyline or thread attempted in the Rumble.  No future seeds of feuds and storylines for Mania, much less Elimination Chamber.  WWE still has one of the best rosters in the history of the industry, and the most captivating thing I saw before the finish was Johnny Knoxville taking stiff elbows?

Too many guys napping as always.  Too little drama.  And Brock came in and squashed everybody, again, in faster fashion than usual as the show ran too long. 

When it came down to Brock and Drew McIntyre, the Cavalcade of Cuts went into overdrive, not even a millisecond between some of them.  I’m genuinely not trying to make a cutesy joke, they’re going to need to put a bumper on their videos for Epilepsy triggering.  Horrible.  ★

Post Examination: 

I dislike writing articles with this tone, I genuinely do.  I deleted tangents and portions like someone taking a breather before pressing send on a heated work email chain.  I came into this show thinking it would be solid.  Day 1 wasn’t insulting, and I’m a sucker for stadium shows.  WWE’s production did a fantastic job of lighting the dome so it appeared that the high 30K, low 40K fans in attendance looked like 70K.  But then you hear reports from fans inside that the lightning was so abrasive they couldn’t see and then the WrestleMania sign accidentally caught on fire not once, but twice!  It’s a loud, easy metaphor and one can project their own snarky symbolism for what they feel that represents.  

WWE is not my preferred outlet for content anymore, so I can’t imagine how hard this show would be to digest if you are a fan of the company.  I can’t imagine one felt happy to have part-timers win both Rumbles.  Perhaps I’m part of the problem now, in that I’m a casual fan that checks-in around Mania and is looking for the biggest marque match-up, even though it’s not fresh and it’s at the mercy of the rest of the roster.

It’s crazy how it feels like the show is overwrought and written twenty times while simultaneously half-assed two minutes before it starts because Vince was nodding-off playing Wordle.  The good news is, we’re going to Mania, so hopefully we don’t have to watch Kevin Dunn’s Amphetamine inspired cuts on TV. 

Brock Lesnar and a Stern Lecture From the St. Louis Fire Department (photo courtesy of WWE.com)